9 months since my Mom died and life is moving on. She is still one of my first thoughts in the morning and last in the evening. I wake at night and if I let my mind go there, I am done with sleeping. Yesterday I had one of those brain blips when I reached for my phone to call her – wanted to share something with her and forgot just for a moment. Thankfully it has been a long time since that happened.
The hospice social worker called to check up on us on Friday. My biggest issue to report was my difficulty/reluctance to clean out my Mom’s house. That is just about the hardest thing for me to do. I can always come up with an excuse to put it off. Go clean out Mom’s house or sit and stare mindlessly at the tv – the tv will win. Grocery shopping or cleaning, cleaning my house or cleaning out her house – her house never wins. I probably would pick cleaning out her house over root canal surgery at the dentist but that would be just about the only thing.
I did not want to start the process of cleaning out her house. While my husband and I were staying there, we thought about starting the process but just couldn’t bring ourselves to start because she was still alive. I wish I had started now. Most of my craft supplies and things I took to her house have been moved out. My husband cleaned out the kitchen cabinets and refrigerator of perishable stuff. We have been “shopping” in her freezer and cabinets when we needed something. All the unused medicines and tubes of whatever have been discarded by my husband. Her personal stuff is waiting on me. It seems like too big of a job to even get started but it needs to be done.
I never expected to feel this way about losing her. I loved my Dad, my Aunt, my Grandparents and all the other people who have died but with my Mother it has been different. I guess it has a lot to do with the fact that the biggest connection with my past is gone. So many questions that will go unanswered.
Another problem I have and I totally blame this on my brother-in-law for putting the thought in my head is that when you lose your parents, you are next in line to go. This from a man who has both parents plus 2 sisters and 2 brothers ahead of him in line. I am glad that my husband comes from a large and obviously healthy family and I love every one of them, but I look ahead of me and think that the line is not too long. Combine this with the fact that I am fast approaching one of those milestone birthdays and it does a number to you.
Miss you Momma!